Paypal released earnings last week, and I thought I would take a peek at the transcript. Oof. Let's add some humor to spice this up.

By my math, at the end of 2026, Shopify’s gross payment volume will be 15% of Paypal TPV. Trust me: Paypal does not want to let Shopify get traction, but it is fighting with 3 arms tied behind its back. CEO indicates that the company is fighting 15 years worth of legacy integrations with its merchants. Regardless of what you hear about Paypal FastLane, the company’s innovation will most certainly be in the slow lane.

Here are my expectations: slow progress and a slew of layoffs.

Here are a few direct quotes from the call, with my tongue-in-cheek commentary: 🤣

“Our new leadership team is operating well together, and we are really starting to get our arms around the business.”

Translation: we had a fun offsite and we all did some trust-falls. “Starting” to get your arms around the business? The new CEO started September 2023.

“We also see substantial need for continued retooling of the company”

Translation: Trust me, it’s worse than it even looks from the outside. If you have a job today here, start polishing your resume.

"We have a plan… But it will take time to prudently drive a meaningful and sustainable transformation.

Translation: I’m sorry I can’t decode that bullshit. I prudently decline to comment on the psychobabble. "Don’t hold your breath." is my closest translation.

"#Paypal Fastlane: We are just getting started and already creating a low double-digit lift in guest checkout conversion for participating merchants. we expect to make Fastlane generally available in the U.S. in the second half of the year.""

Translation: All of our competitors report 25%, but since we just started on this journey, we only got 10%. Even our competitors print analyst results, but we haven’t let third parties validate these results.

“Additionally, we are continuing to focus on making it even easier to pay with PayPal by removing friction from the checkout process. ... This is a mindset shift.”

Translation: Rick rubs chin, "Removing friction from checkout you say." What the hell was your mindset before?

"We are also in the early stages of evaluating the overall dynamics and pipeline of our top 10,000 merchant accounts.

Translation: We are still waiting on our 200 page McKinsey consulting slide deck.

"As we evaluate our programs, we see clear opportunities to price to value"

Translation: If you thought our product was bad, wait until we raise prices!

Recall this was the same CEO who said in January we will shock the world. I wish I were making this up. Muhammad Ali shook up the world. This earnings call instead put me to sleep and left me more worried for the future of Paypal.

Attention #Shopify team, whatever resources you have on payments is not enough.